The Official "I Hate Women" Jokebook Read online

  A woman walks into a bar and orders a margarita. She takes the drink to a corner booth. A man leans over and says to the bartender, “That bitch made a fortune from a story that she made up.”

  “Really,” says the bartender, “who’d she sell it to?”

  “The entire jury.”

  * * *

  A man walks into a bar, orders a bourbon and says to the bartender, “Ever had anal sex with your wife?”

  “Of course,” says the bartender. “In fact, we do it almost every night.”

  “So she really digs it?”

  “No, she hates it.”

  “She just does it because you enjoy it?”

  “I hate it too.”

  “You hate it? Why do you do it almost every night?”

  “Well,” says the bartender, “the kids get such a kick out of watching.”

  * * *

  This chick walks into a male biker bar. She strides up to the leader and says, “I want to join your gang.”

  “Can you ride?”

  “I got my hog outside.”

  “Can you drink?”

  She knocks back five shots of tequila.

  “Okay,” the leader says, “have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

  “No,” she says, “but I been swung around by the tits a couple of times.”

  * * *

  What’s the best way to remember your wife’s birthday?

  Forget it once.

  * * *

  Why is marriage like a three-ring circus?

  Engagement ring.

  Wedding ring.

  Suffering.

  * * *

  Why hadn’t the man spoken to his wife for three years?

  He didn’t want to interrupt her.

  * * *

  What’s the worst thing about bigamy?

  You get two mothers-in-law.

  * * *

  A man and woman who’ve never met find themselves sharing a compartment on a train. The woman, top bunk, says, “Could I trouble you to get me another blanket? I’m freezing.”

  “I have a better idea,” says the man. “Let’s pretend we’re married.”

  After a pause she says, “Okay.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. I’d like that.”

  “Then go get your own fucking blanket.”

  * * *

  The intervention counselor asked the husband, “Why on God’s earth did you throw apples at your wife during your fight last night?”

  He replied, “Because coconuts are out of season.”

  * * *

  What three words does a man hate to hear while he’s fucking?

  “Darling, I’m home.”

  * * *

  Why are skull-splitting hangovers better than women?

  Hangovers go away.

  * * *

  What’s the difference between a woman and a jar of peanut butter?

  It doesn’t take three martinis and a $110 dinner to open a fucking jar of peanut butter.

  * * *

  Why do guys who have been married 20 years love to eat their wife’s pussy?

  Because it doesn’t talk back.

  * * *

  A plane crashes and the survivors, five guys and one girl are marooned on a Pacific island. After a week, the girl is so ashamed of her sexual depravity that she kills herself.

  A week goes by, and the guys are so ashamed of their sexual activities that they bury her.

  Another week passes and the guys are now so ashamed that they dig her back up.

  * * *

  Einstein climbs in bed with his wife. She’s tired and drifts off to sleep, while he stays up reading a book. Periodically, he reaches over and inserts his index finger into her cunt. After about an hour of this she wakes up and says, “Stop teasing me!”

  “I’m not teasing. I’m wetting my finger so I can turn the page.”

  * * *

  Dave’s pride and joy was his vintage BMW motorcycle that he had inherited from his grandfather. His grandfather admonished him to keep the bike spotless at all times and when it started raining to smear Vaseline on the gas tank and fenders so they wouldn’t weather. Wherever he went he toted a big tube of Vaseline with him just in case it started raining. His new girlfriend Petunia finally invited Dave to her house for dinner and to meet the family. They hopped on the BMW and drove to Petunia’s parents’ house. As he parked the bike, she said, “My family is kind of weird. Anyone who talks at the dinner table has to do the dishes.”

  “No sweat,” said Dave. But when they got to the house he saw a huge pile of dishes in the sink. Apparently, nobody had spoken at the dinner table for about a year. So the dinner progressed in absolute silence. Dave figured, “What the hell. I’m horny and they’re strange.” So he grabbed Petunia, ripped her clothes off and fucked her right there on the kitchen floor.

  Nobody said a word.

  Petunia’s mother was a tight looking MILF. So Dave, silently, pulled her pants down, bent her over the sink and did her doggy style. Not a word was spoken as Dave pounded away on the mother. Then he noticed it had started raining. He pulled out his still erect cock and rummaged in his jacket pocket for the tube of Vaseline so he could weatherproof the fenders and gas tank on his beloved BMW.

  “Alright alright,” said Petunia’s dad. “I’ll do the fucking dishes.”

  * * *

  What should you do if your wife tells you she faked her orgasm?

  Pretend you didn’t hear her.

  * * *

  What’s the best part about a blow job?

  10 minutes of peace and quiet.

  * * *

  A hunter stumbled upon a beautiful woman sunbathing naked in a clearing. He walked up to her smiled and said, “Are you game?”

  “For a stud like you, certainly.”

  So he shot her.

  * * *

  Two suburban couples decided to engage in some conjugal mate swapping. The trade was arranged and after two-and-a-half hours of orgasmic bliss one of the wives said, “I wonder how the boys are doing?”

  * * *

  “Get this,” says the husband to his wife, “the building superintendent just told me he’s fucked every women in the building except one.”

  “Hmmm,” says the wife, “must be that Goldfarb bitch up on the seventh floor.”

  * * *

  On their morning walk Marge says to Maude, “My husband beats me up every morning.”

  “That’s terrible.”

  “I know. I’m going to have to start setting the alarm.”

  * * *

  Name three things that men love that began with the letter “m”?

  Mother, money, and mmmm…pussy.

  * * *

  Why are fat chicks so proficient at sucking cocks?

  They’ll put anything in their mouths.

  * * *

  Bob opens the Sunday paper and screams to his wife, “Pack your clothes I just won the lottery!”

  “Winter or summer clothes? Where are we going?”

  “All your clothes. Your sorry ass is outta here.”

  * * *

  A young woman is at the grocery check out. The cashier rings up seven TV dinners, some Oreos, three apples and a six-pack of Old Milwaukee. The cashier says to the young lady, “You’re single aren’t you?”

  “Oh, because of the TV dinners?”

  “No. Because you are fucking ugly.”

  * * *

  What do blondes call underwear?

  Ankle warmers.

  * * *

  “Mother?” asked the new bride, “how can I make my new husband happy?”

  “Love,” said the mother, “can be a beautiful bond between two people who respect each other’s needs...”

  I know how to fuck, mom,” said the girl. “I want you to teach me how to make meatloaf.”

  * * *

  How can you tell the blonde on the nude beach?

  She’s the one with a tampon string hangi
ng out of her ass.

  * * *

  What do you call a blonde working at the post office?

  Overqualified.

  * * *

  Why did the blonde get kicked off of the beach?

  A life guard caught her going down for the third time.

  * * *

  A man arrested for a DUI is thrown into a cell with a hardened criminal who says to the newcomer, “Good. Fresh meat.”

  The rookie prisoner says, “Is everything I’ve heard about prison true?”

  “Yeah. But since it’s your first time I’ll let you choose if you want to be the husband or the wife.”

  “Well, if I have to do it, I’ll be the husband.”

  “Good choice. Now get over here and suck your wife’s dick.”

  * * *

  A woman says, after having sex for the first time with her new boyfriend, “You are a bum fuck.”

  He says, “How would you know after only 22 seconds?”

  * * *

  A family left St. Louis for the gold fields of California in a wagon pulled by two oxen. The man drove the oxen relentlessly. “Let them rest,” said his wife.

  He waved away the suggestion and continued.

  When the left ox faltered the man hopped down from the wagon, approached the faltering ox and said, “That’s one.”

  They continued until the left ox faltered again. The man hopped down from the wagon and said to the weary ox, “That’s two.”

  “Let them rest,” said his wife.

  He waved away the suggestion and continued.

  The left ox finally collapsed and the man hopped down and said, “That’s three.” Then he shot the ox in the head.

  “What did you do that for?” said his wife.

  The man said to her, “That’s one.”

  * * *

  What happens to women who wear the pants in the family?

  They usually discover that another woman is wearing the fur.

  * * *

  American Airlines ran a promotion where wives fly for half-off when they accompany their husbands on business trips. The airlines followed up the promotion by sending a questionnaire to the wives asking how they enjoyed their trip. The most common response was, “What trip?”

  * * *

  After the birth of his fourth daughter, John didn’t seem right. His wife asked, “What’s wrong?”

  “I just wanted a son. I wanted an offspring with a penis.”

  “Don’t worry, John. I’m certain she’ll have all the penises she wants in about sixteen years.”

  * * *

  What is the definition of Making Love?

  What a chick does when a guy’s fucking her.

  * * *

  Why is it so hard for a blonde to catch a husband?

  It isn’t. It’s hard for a blonde to catch a single guy.

  * * *

  A blonde wanted to see what all the hubbub was about with pornographic movies, so she went to the video store and rented a video tape with the most provocative title imaginable. She popped it into the machine and there was no picture, just snow and interference. She called the clerk at the video store to complain. He said, “I’m sorry, what’s the name of the movie?”

  She popped the tape out of the VCR and read the title: “Head cleaner.”

  * * *

  Why do blondes only get a half hour for lunch?

  It costs too much to retrain them.

  * * *

  CHAPTER 2

  Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.

  —Roseanne Barr

  How come Roseanne never goes to the beach?

  Because Greenpeace volunteers keep pushing her back into the ocean.

  * * *

  “Here’s a hundred bucks,” says the man to the hooker. “I want you to give me the sloppiest, least enthusiastic blow job ever.”

  “For a hundred,” she says, “I could give you the best cock slurp you’ve ever had.”

  “But,” he says, “I’m not horny. I’m homesick.”

  * * *

  “When will you ever get married Suzanne?”

  “When the right man comes along. Stop bugging me, mom.”

  “But you’re 30, you’ve never been engaged, you’ve never had a steady boyfriend. When are you going to get married Suzanne?”

  One day, Suzanne comes home with rice in her hair. Her mother is overjoyed, “You got married! Congratulations Susan.”

  “I’m not married. I was sucking this Korean’s dick and he threw up in my hair.”

  * * *

  Why do women have two sets of lips?

  So they can piss and moan at the same time.

  * * *

  How can you tell when your girlfriend is paranoid about STDs?

  She puts a condom on her vibrator.

  * * *

  What’s a blonde’s favorite cocktail?

  Perrier and water.

  * * *

  What do you call a woman with genital herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and AIDS?

  An incurable romantic.

  * * *

  What’s the difference between a woman and a rooster?

  A rooster says, “Cock-a-doodle-do” and a woman says, “Any cock’ll do.”

  * * *

  Did you hear about the blonde who said her pussy on fire on the Fourth of July?

  She lit the string to her tampon.

  * * *

  A mother and her daughter are walking through central Park. The girl says, “Mother, when will I be old enough to start douching?”

  “Why don’t you ask the four seagulls and two pigeons following you?”

  * * *

  “I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves,” said the young man to the sales lady, “but I don’t know what size she wears.”

  The sales lady smiled and extended her hand for the man to grasp. “Bigger? Smaller? Or just right?”

  “Just right. Thanks.”

  She tossed him a pair of size four gloves. “Anything else?”

  “Yeah, I think she needs some bras.”

  * * *

  A salesman flies to Vegas for a convention. He’s approached by a hooker who says, “I’m selling.” They strike a bargain and do the big nasty. When he returns home he discovers he’s contracted gonorrhea. He’s on medication for the rest of the year. But the convention rolls around and he flies back to Vegas. Same street corner, same hooker who says again, “I’m selling.”

  He says, “What are you selling this year, cancer?”

  * * *

  After being fired the maid retorts, “Your husband considers me a better cook and housekeeper than you, Madame. And I know I’m better in bed.”

  “I suppose he told you that as well?”

  “No. Your son did.”

  * * *

  What’s the most effective birth control device for a female?

  An aspirin…held firmly between the knees.

  * * *

  What’s the second most effective birth control device for a female?

  No make up.

  * * *

  What’s the most effective birth control device for a male?

  A pebble in his shoe. It makes him limp.

  * * *

  What’s the second most effective birth control device for a male?

  A pay cut.

  * * *

  After a hard fought tennis match at the club the guys had a steam and a massage. They were dressing when Bob started pulling on a pair of panty hose. “When,” said Bill, “did you start wearing those?”

  “Right after my wife found them in my glove compartment.”

  * * *

  “What are the grounds for divorce?” asked the judge.

  “Cruel and unusual punishment,” said Mrs. Smith. “Every night he ties me up and makes me sing God Bless America, while he pisses all over my face.”

  That is sick,” said the judge.

 
“I know,” said Mrs. Smith. “He knows how much I hate that song.”

  * * *

  “I had the strangest dream last night,” said Doris to her husband Bob on Christmas morning. “I dreamed we had a beautiful Christmas tree in our bedroom and on top, instead of a star there was a perfect penis.”

  “Was it mine?” asked Bob.

  Doris laughed sarcastically, “I said the perfect penis.”

  Bob said, “Ironically. I had a similar dream. I dreamed we had a beautiful Christmas tree in our bedroom and on top was the perfectly shaped pussy.”

  “Was it mine?”

  “No,” said Bob. “Yours was holding up the tree.”

  * * *

  “What do you take for a sore throat?” one blonde asked a brunette.

  “I just suck on a Life Saver.”

  “That’s easy for you; you live at the beach.”

  * * *

  A coed reminiscing about her childhood asked her blonde roommate, “Did you play with jacks when you were little?”

  “Yes. And Paul’s, and Chuck’s, and Bobby’s.”

  * * *

  Ron’s twin brother Don was visiting town when a terrible snowstorm hit, knocking out all the power. Ron’s wife suggests that they all sleep together for warmth. So they all huddle together in the king size bed. When Ron falls asleep his wife says, “Don? I’ve always wanted to fuck you.”