The Official "I Hate Women" Jokebook Read online



  THE OFFICIAL “I HATE WOMEN” JOKEBOOK

  Rob Loughran

  BUBBA CAXTON BOOKS,

  Windsor, California

  Copyright Rob Loughran, 2013

  Formatted by eBooksMade4You

  * * *

  All rights reserved

  No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from the publisher, with the exception of excerpts used in reviews.

  * * *

  Woman, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by many of the older zoologists with a certain vestigial docility acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the post-susan-anthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, deny the virtue and declare that such as creation’s dawn beheld, it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey…

  From The Devil’s Dictionary

  by Ambrose Bierce, 1906

  Women’s virtue is man’s greatest invention.

  — Cornelia Otis Skinner

  For every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred enemies.

  —Laurence Sterne

  * * *

  CONTENTS

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  CHAPTER 7

  CHAPTER 8

  CHAPTER 9

  CHAPTER 10

  CHAPTER 11

  CHAPTER 12

  CHAPTER 13

  CHAPTER 14

  * * *

  CHAPTER 1

  Women should remain at home, sit still, keep house, and bear and bring up children.

  —Martin Luther

  What’s the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn?

  Shoot her again.

  * * *

  Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?

  Because they don’t have any balls to scratch.

  * * *

  A man walks into a bar and orders a Tanqueray Sapphire martini. He slams it down, looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. He repeats this five times, then asks for the tab. The bartender totals it up and says, “Why do you examine the contents of your pocket after each drink?”

  “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking good I go home and fuck her.”

  * * *

  Did you hear about the new morning after birth control pill for men?

  It alters their blood type.

  * * *

  An old man walks into a bar and the barkeep says, “What’s new?”

  The old guy says, “I think my wife died.”

  “You think?”

  “Yeah. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.”

  * * *

  Why are there 7.2 million abused women in the United States of America?

  Because they never shut the fuck up.

  * * *

  What’s the main difference between a blonde cheerleader and a bowling ball?

  You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

  * * *

  “Please deliver the moped,” said Ron to the salesman, “with a note that says, Happy Birthday from your Husband.”

  “A little surprise for the wife?” asked the clerk.

  “Hell yes, she’s expecting a Mercedes.”

  * * *

  Why don’t they let women swim in the ocean?

  They can’t get the smell out of the fish.

  * * *

  A blonde visited the psychiatrist and confessed, “I’m a nymphomaniac. All I ever think about and do is sucking and fucking.”

  “I specialize in disorders like that. I can help you but I charge $200 an hour.”

  “Okay,” she said. “How much for all night?”

  * * *

  “You really believe I’ll be a star?” asked the blonde who had just removed her bra and panties at the director’s request.

  “Absolutely,” he said, “in fact you’ve already started to make it big.”

  * * *

  What is the ultimate embarrassment for a stewardess?

  When her Benwa balls set off the metal detector at the airport.

  * * *

  What’s the best way for a woman to avoid rape?

  Beat off the attacker.

  * * *

  What do you call a woman with half a brain?

  Gifted.

  * * *

  What has a bald head, is six inches long, and drives women wild?

  A hundred dollar bill.

  * * *

  Why’d God put a woman’s asshole and cunt so close together?

  So when they’re drunk you can carry them home like a sixpack.

  * * *

  What’s better than a cold Bud?

  A nice warm Busch.

  * * *

  Where does a female pilot sit?

  In a cunt pit.

  * * *

  How do you know when a woman’s wearing pantyhose?

  When she farts, her ankles swell up.

  * * *

  Why is a bottle of Guinness better than a woman?

  The Guinness doesn’t get mad when you grab another beer.

  * * *

  What is sex?

  It is the most wholesome, natural, gratifying, and wonderful things that money can buy.

  * * *

  “That was the most boring frat party I’ve ever been to,” said the blonde coed to her roommate.

  “Then why’d you stay for eight hours?”

  “I couldn’t find my clothes.”

  * * *

  What did Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

  “I’ll be home in an hour.”

  * * *

  A guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags: “Honey? What the heck are you doing?”

  “I’m leaving because you’re a pedophile.”

  “Pedophile?” He scratches his balls, “That’s a mighty impressive word for a seven year old.”

  * * *

  Why do women fake orgasms?

  Because they think men care.

  * * *

  Why do Jewish husbands die young?

  They want to.

  * * *

  Why are men smarter when they’re making love?

  They are plugged into a fucking know-it-all.

  * * *

  What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

  They’re both fun to ride, but you never want your friends to see you on one.

  * * *

  A bride-to-be knows exactly what type of music she wants played at her wedding. She auditions 20 pianists before this musician plays an original composition that is precisely what she was looking for. “That was perfect,” she says, “what do you call it?”

  He says, “Drive Me to Capistrano Baby, Because That’s Where You’re Gonna Swallow.”

  “Yuck. What a nasty title; but it is a beautiful song, play me another.” He does and this one is even better. “That’s magnificent. What do you call it?”

  “Bend Over and Touch Your Ankles Baby—I’m a Backdoor Man.”

  “You’re hired,” she says, “but for God’s sake don’t tell anyone the names of your songs.”

  The wedding day comes and the guests at the reception are more than impressed with the music. But the pianist has been drinking an ocean of champagne. He has to go to the bathroom and is so drunk he botches the job. He cleans up as best he can and returns to the
piano. Halfway there he’s stopped by the bride who says, “Do you know there’s shit on your shoes and your zipper’s down?”

  “Know it?” he says. “Bitch, I wrote it.”

  * * *

  What do you call a couple using the rhythm, will power, or withdrawal methods of birth control?

  Parents.

  * * *

  A woman told her friend, “I just made my husband a millionaire.”

  “What was he before?”

  “A billionaire.”

  * * *

  Why do people get married?

  So they have someone to blame.

  * * *

  What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?

  About 45 pounds.

  * * *

  What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

  About 45 minutes.

  * * *

  Samantha discontinued sex to answer the phone. When she returned to bed her partner asked, “Who was that?”

  “My husband.”

  “What does he want?”

  “He just wanted to tell me he’ll be home late because he went bowling with you.”

  * * *

  A man propositions a hooker. He offers $10. She insists on $50. That’s too steep for him so he decides to go home to his wife. They fuck and then walk down to the local bar for a drink. They pass the hooker who says, “See what a lousy $10 gets you?”

  * * *

  A husband said, “I’ve devised a new sexual position that will save our marriage.”

  The wife said, “What is it?”

  “Back-to-back.”

  “It’s impossible to have sex back-to-back.”

  “Sure we can. I’ve persuaded the new neighbors to join us.”

  * * *

  At a divorce recovery workshop a man stands up and says, “My ex-wife is a decent, honest person and a great mother to our children. But I’m into kinky sex—I mean the kinkier the better—and she was a straight lay. It put our marriage under so much strain it fell apart.”

  A lady stands up and says, “Same with me. And, I live around the corner.”

  So they leave and go to her place. They do some kissy-face and get naked on the couch and she says, “I’m ready.”

  “Me too.”

  She runs to her bedroom and assembles all her gear: leather bra and thong, whip and handcuffs, nipple clips and a battery powered dildo that could propel a bass boat. She returns to the living room and sees him dressed and leaving. “Hey! Where are you going? I thought you liked it kinky?”

  He says, “Lady, I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse, what the hell do you want?”

  * * *

  The boyfriend entered the room cautiously, “Sir, I feel nervous asking you this but may I—”

  “Have my daughter’s hand in marriage? Certainly.”

  “No,” he said, “I need to borrow $2500.”

  “Get the fuck out, I hardly know you.”

  * * *

  What’s better than honor?

  Inner.

  * * *

  Why’d the female contortionist never get married?

  All the guys thought she’d break it off.

  * * *

  Why do women have periods?

  Because they deserve them.

  * * *

  After making love the bride slapped her husband’s face. “What was that for?” he asked.

  “For being a lousy fucking lover.”

  He slapped her back. “What was that for?” she asked.

  “For knowing the difference.”

  * * *

  A shapely blonde boarded a bus. There were no available seats so she asked a business man, “I’m pregnant, may I please have your seat?”

  “Certainly.” He stood and said, “If you don’t mind my saying, you look marvelous for being pregnant. How far along are you?”

  “About 45 minutes.”

  * * *

  The newlyweds entered the hotel. Overwhelmed by the sheer splendor of the place the bride said, “This place is magnificent; I really don’t know what I could possibly wear tonight.”

  The groom said, “You’re putting me on.”

  * * *

  What’s the definition of confidence?

  Your wife finds you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, “You’re next bitch.”

  * * *

  How can you tell when a man’s had an orgasm?

  From the snoring.

  * * *

  Why do brides smile as they walk down the aisle?

  Because they know they’ve sucked their last cock.

  * * *

  A man and a woman at a Christmas party go upstairs for a quickie in the darkened coat room. He puts it to her, shoots his wad in thirty seconds, and says, “God you’re tight. If I’d known you were a virgin, I would’ve taken my time.”

  “If I’d known you had time,” she says, “I’d have taken off my pantyhose.”

  * * *

  After a long, passionate night of sucking and fucking the guy rolled over and noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand. He began to worry. “Is this your husband?”

  “No silly.”

  “Your boyfriend?”

  “No. Not at all.”

  “Who is he?”

  “That’s me before the surgery.”

  * * *

  “Honey,” said the man, “I love you. You’re always there when I call, you always want to go out, you’re beautiful and you’re the best and most adventurous fuck I’ve ever had.”

  “Thanks.”

  “But every time we go out it costs me $500. What’s up with that?”

  “I’m a hooker.”

  * * *

  A drunk walks into a bar and there’s a lady at the other end of the bar, waving her right arm above her head trying to get the bartender’s attention. She has incredibly hairy armpits. The drunk says, “I wanna buy that ballerina a drink.”

  “How do you know,” asks the bartender, “that she’s a ballerina?”

  “Who else could get her right leg up that high?”

  * * *

  A man walks into a bar, orders a double Dewars and says, “I’ve got problems.”

  “What’s that?” asks the barkeep.

  “My wife hasn’t been feeling well so she went to the doctor. He ran some tests and the best he can come up with is that her condition is either Aids or Alzheimer’s.”

  “Here’s what you do,” says the barkeep. “Drive her out to the beach for a picnic. Halfway through lunch say you have to go to the bathroom. Get in your car and drive home. If she finds her way back home, don’t fuck her.”

  * * *

  Jane confides to her best friend after four Bloody Marys: “Bob was in such an odd mood last night. We planned to meet at a bar across town for a cocktail. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was later than I promised, but he didn’t say anything about it. I really don’t remember doing anything to make him upset.

  “We finished our drinks and ordered another round, but he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting worried; what was bothering him? Why was he mad at me? Is it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, but he said no. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him and he put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because, you know, he didn’t say it back to me. We finally got home and I was wondering, for the first time in our marriage, if there were someone else. So I tried to get him to talk but he just turned on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made passionate love. But still, he seemed distracted. I wanted to confront him, but didn’t. So I cried myself to sleep. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really think he’s seeing someone else.” Jane pays, tips and leaves.

  Bob confides to his best friend after five beers: “I missed a fucking
ten point buck yesterday. He was standing in a clearing and I had three shots. Jesus Christ, I shoot like a drunk fucking monkey! I felt pissed all day. Man, that really got me down. I fucking blew the chance of a fucking lifetime. But what the hell, at least I got laid.”

  * * *

  A man with two more or more wives is called a bigamist, but what do you call a man with two or more ugly wives?

  A pigamist.

  * * *

  A struggling young couple decides that in order to save money he has to, following sex, drop some money in the piggy bank. After a month they bust it open and it contains $1200 dollars. “I don’t,” he says, “remember putting in any $50s or $100s.”

  “Honey, not everyone is as cheap as you are.”

  * * *

  A man fixing a flat in a blizzard returns to the car to warm his hands. His wife has hiked up her skirt and removed her panties and suggests he warm his hands by placing them between her thighs. He does and it works nicely. Then back out into the blizzard and he returns again to warm his hands; then out again into the blizzard. “Done with the tire,” he says.

  “But,” his wife says, “I bet your ears are freezing.”

  * * *